Learning to love and be loved

I’m glad to be growing up and getting out of here.
Even though I’m not actually getting out of here, at least my environment can somewhat change.

December, 2010

Dear Esther,

Hmmm, where to begin. I guess the beginning would be a good idea, huh? Well, even that case, when I first met you last year, I had no idea what would go between us. You were cool, funny, aloof and didn’t seem to care about what others thought of you. You were so above it all, and I loved it. After hanging out with you a few times, I found myself the loving you (as a friend/sister) and eventually, you became indispensable as a friend to me. You were always there and I hoped that I could always be there for you to (even though you’re tough cookie and you can “take care of yourself”) (I can just imagine you shaking your head at my “” s and thinking ‘I can’!) Anyways, as our friendship progress, you began to open up more to me and I felt great in that I had possibly earned your trust. You were always such a good friend to me and I wanted to give you something in return. Even though we don’t have any classes together this year, (boo) our late-night calls, (much to the probable annoyance of you at seeing my name on the caller ID screen yet again (lol) and to your mom who now knows me as your boyfriend (gag)) hanging out sessions and note passing habits help keep me feeling like I have a friendship worth living for. Even if we don’t talk for a while, any mention of “best friend” (oh, the clichés of this world) makes me think of you and I never get jealous of other people’s friendships to one another because I know I have you and that our friendship is just a strong if not an infinite amount stronger than anyone else’s. I guess that what I really just want to say here is thanks. Thanks for all the advice, love and friendship that you have given me. Thanks for your loyalty, patience (though that was a bit arguable, Ms. I – like – to – punch –_____-to– say – hello – and- then – deny it. LOL JP) and always open arms. Thanks, in summary, for being you.

Any who, enough of all that mushy love stuff, though I could go on much longer :P

I guess I should get to the point of this letter, which is to tell you I love you and that I hope you have a great holiday. Happy Christmas and have a great New Year’s!

xoxoxo,

_______________ 

April 16, 2012 (from my journal bc I’ve decided to start writing again)

I feel… stuck for lack of a better word. Everyone seems to be moving forward with their lives, going off to college, leaving their house, getting to see what the world has to offer -both good and bad. And here I am. Stuck. In this house. In this situation. In this state of mind. I feel like I have no room to grow, no room to.. idk.
Everyone seems to know where theyre going, where to put their next foot forward. It might not lead to the right destination but at least they’re going somewhere. Better somewhere than nowhere. And what do I feel? I feel like everyones turned their backs on me. Not intentionally, no. Never intentionally. They just havr better places to be, and they want me to come along. But I simply don’t have the means nor the ability to follow. Because I’m stuck.

Between comfort and obligation, which is more important?
I feel like for far too long I’ve been tied to obligation.
I just don’t know how to make that transition from obligation to comfort.

I’m really, really tired.
These breaks are never long enough.
I don’t want to go back to school tomorrow.
But I’m sure I’m not the only one. 

The English language sure is an odd one.